A random, disorganized progression of thoughts. Lying there awake, in the middle of the night, the mind flits about. It settles upon the past, present and future. It lingers upon the half empty side of life. A negative smudge of thought invades. Positive self talk, efforts to slip back into sleep fail. Self fulfilling thoughts of ‘I won’t be able to go back to sleep’ repetitively creep into the mind. This is how I am going to start my day?
Compartments in the mind. Control. Security. The lids have been purposely flipped off the top, of late, and have fallen away. Disorganized, chaotic. Containment and control evaporates. What replaces the chaos? No reference points feel right….not yet. New directions, but this subtle anxiety gnaws at the gut. The slightest bump, nudge, jolt casts doubt. I look toward the stars for comfort. Requests are offered up.
The dogs snore. The cat prowls. The clock glows 0-Dark-30. Time to get up and make coffee. The early bird local news leads with seven shootings in the metro area. Nothing uplifting there. I turn it off . I spend time tying some flies. The dog lies at my side snoring away. My mind eases.
An inner voice prods, coaxes me toward positive thoughts. I am often comforted by the realization that I am not alone in this journey. Comfort can be gained by seeing the burdens others endure. But, standing together in the maelstrom of life is not enough.
I want to, need to, rise above that swirl of negativity, if even for a brief respite. It is up to me. The day begins, the sun is up now. The day brightens. Up to me to maintain it. Join me?