20 Lines A Day

A Community of Writers and Photographers

THE ACHE IN MY HEART

9 Comments

It has been 20 years since my son, Jason died. I wrote this poem four years after his death when I believed my pain would never go away. I dedicate this posting to Beebee and continue to try to inspire hope to anyone suffering with grief at my blog: myjourneysinsight.com

THE ACHE IN MY HEART

The ache in my heart goes everywhere with me

It follows me through time and never really leaves

With every breath I push it away and hope it won’t remain

Because I can’t accept that it will stay with me for the rest of my life

But four years later, it’s still there . . .

In the loudest or quietest moment I strain to remember your voice

In the daylight or in darkness, I’m searching for your face

In the happiest of times, the ache in my heart

Reminds me that tragedy can always strike

The thought of more agony than your loss alone is unbearable

So, sometimes I wish the pain away and pretend it never happened

Or it happened to somebody else or maybe you’re better off

Or maybe I am, too, but it never really matters

Because the ache in my heart never leaves

Even when I’ve thought it’s gone, it’s only disguised

It becomes the guilt that now I’ve forgotten you or loved you less

I guess the ache inside is what remains

And though the pain is no longer raw

I can’t believe that time can heal

How can my heart ever heal

when it continues to bleed?

 

Clicking the blue link below,

leads to my song “So Real” and more words about grief:

 

IT ALL SEEMED SO REAL

Jason and his mom

© 2012 by Judy Unger, http://www.myjourneysinsight.com and 20 Lines A Day. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Author: Judy

I'm an illustrator by profession. At this juncture in my life, I am pursuing my dream of writing and composing music. Every day of my life is precious!

9 thoughts on “THE ACHE IN MY HEART

  1. I lost two brothers to suicide in 1987-1988. Everyday I think of them. Losing a child is a permanent sadness. I believe good to remember the people we loved and who loved us. Thank you for the beautiful photo and story.

  2. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, John. I write a lot about grief and the statement about a child being “the worst,” is something that I would never challenge. What I do dislike are grief comparisons. Yours would be a perfect example. I am certain losing TWO brothers to suicide was something so horrible in your life, that you strive every day to remember them without pain. I would never go to a place to say, “Mine was worse.” Do you believe your loss was permanent sadness? I think sadness can be remembered and accessed, but a person does not have to carry their sorrow forever.
    Beliefs are powerful. I do not believe anymore in permanent sadness. I’m glad I could share my photo and story with you. I am hopeful that you have made a life for yourself after suffering such a tragedy as losing your 2 brothers. I have a lot of compassion for bereaved siblings. They carry their loss and the burden of losing the parents they once knew to grief. The helplessness of that is probably the saddest part of all.

  3. Judy, my eyes are filled with tears. It is a pain so far ingrained. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.

    • Dear Mari,

      It is true that it is far ingrained. I sure appreciate your comment and I am very moved to have touched you. The best part is that the pain is no longer raw and I have deep appreciation for life instead.

      Thank you so much again.

  4. Beautifully written Judy, though memories will always be there, time changes our perspective. I lost my brother and witnessed my mother’s grief.. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it must be like for a parent to lose their child. Thank you for this very raw and emotional piece.

    • Thank you, Jenny, also. I don’t like comparing grief, so I’m going to say that I cannot imagine how it must feel to lose a brother and suffer with your mother’s grief. Honestly, I had a good friend whose brother died and her life was forever changed. It was horrible and I never go to a place that “mine was worse.” I an so sorry for the loss of your brother and the life you used to know. Also the person you used to be – before it happened. I do hope you mother found peace later in her life as I did. You are right – time changes our perspective.

  5. It has been seven years since my son died, and I find it comforting to see things written by moms who have navigated these rough waters for longer than I. Thank you for continuing to write.

  6. Thank you so much for your comment. As you and I both know, rough waters is an understatement. But honestly, not drowning is a miracle. That’s probably why I wrote my poem “My Tears filled an Ocean.” I am just thankful that I am not “aching” anymore. I feel blessed with so many things in my life and I’m grateful the pain has finally subsided. But now my heart aches for all the bereaved people in this world. I am glad if I can offer hope.

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