It has been 20 years since my son, Jason died. I wrote this poem four years after his death when I believed my pain would never go away. I dedicate this posting to Beebee and continue to try to inspire hope to anyone suffering with grief at my blog: myjourneysinsight.com
THE ACHE IN MY HEART
The ache in my heart goes everywhere with me
It follows me through time and never really leaves
With every breath I push it away and hope it won’t remain
Because I can’t accept that it will stay with me for the rest of my life
But four years later, it’s still there . . .
In the loudest or quietest moment I strain to remember your voice
In the daylight or in darkness, I’m searching for your face
In the happiest of times, the ache in my heart
Reminds me that tragedy can always strike
The thought of more agony than your loss alone is unbearable
So, sometimes I wish the pain away and pretend it never happened
Or it happened to somebody else or maybe you’re better off
Or maybe I am, too, but it never really matters
Because the ache in my heart never leaves
Even when I’ve thought it’s gone, it’s only disguised
It becomes the guilt that now I’ve forgotten you or loved you less
I guess the ache inside is what remains
And though the pain is no longer raw
I can’t believe that time can heal
How can my heart ever heal
when it continues to bleed?
Clicking the blue link below,
leads to my song “So Real” and more words about grief:
© 2012 by Judy Unger,
http://www.myjourneysinsight.com
and 20 Lines A Day. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
December 10, 2012 at 5:38 am
I lost two brothers to suicide in 1987-1988. Everyday I think of them. Losing a child is a permanent sadness. I believe good to remember the people we loved and who loved us. Thank you for the beautiful photo and story.
December 10, 2012 at 10:21 am
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, John. I write a lot about grief and the statement about a child being “the worst,” is something that I would never challenge. What I do dislike are grief comparisons. Yours would be a perfect example. I am certain losing TWO brothers to suicide was something so horrible in your life, that you strive every day to remember them without pain. I would never go to a place to say, “Mine was worse.” Do you believe your loss was permanent sadness? I think sadness can be remembered and accessed, but a person does not have to carry their sorrow forever.
Beliefs are powerful. I do not believe anymore in permanent sadness. I’m glad I could share my photo and story with you. I am hopeful that you have made a life for yourself after suffering such a tragedy as losing your 2 brothers. I have a lot of compassion for bereaved siblings. They carry their loss and the burden of losing the parents they once knew to grief. The helplessness of that is probably the saddest part of all.
December 10, 2012 at 11:27 pm
Judy, my eyes are filled with tears. It is a pain so far ingrained. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.
December 10, 2012 at 11:41 pm
Dear Mari,
It is true that it is far ingrained. I sure appreciate your comment and I am very moved to have touched you. The best part is that the pain is no longer raw and I have deep appreciation for life instead.
Thank you so much again.
December 11, 2012 at 10:59 pm
Oh absolutely Judy – you are so immensely welcome, hugs.
December 11, 2012 at 7:22 am
Beautifully written Judy, though memories will always be there, time changes our perspective. I lost my brother and witnessed my mother’s grief.. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it must be like for a parent to lose their child. Thank you for this very raw and emotional piece.
December 11, 2012 at 10:15 am
Thank you, Jenny, also. I don’t like comparing grief, so I’m going to say that I cannot imagine how it must feel to lose a brother and suffer with your mother’s grief. Honestly, I had a good friend whose brother died and her life was forever changed. It was horrible and I never go to a place that “mine was worse.” I an so sorry for the loss of your brother and the life you used to know. Also the person you used to be – before it happened. I do hope you mother found peace later in her life as I did. You are right – time changes our perspective.
December 18, 2012 at 10:14 am
It has been seven years since my son died, and I find it comforting to see things written by moms who have navigated these rough waters for longer than I. Thank you for continuing to write.
December 18, 2012 at 11:12 am
Thank you so much for your comment. As you and I both know, rough waters is an understatement. But honestly, not drowning is a miracle. That’s probably why I wrote my poem “My Tears filled an Ocean.” I am just thankful that I am not “aching” anymore. I feel blessed with so many things in my life and I’m grateful the pain has finally subsided. But now my heart aches for all the bereaved people in this world. I am glad if I can offer hope.