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April Poetry Challenge, Progress as of Day 5

15 Comments

Whew.  I’m going round and round with this poem, with its direction, with things I want to add and then later decide they don’t work.  Is this happening for anyone else?

This is where the poem opens after some refining:

After love, and you sleep.
I am formed to your back

broad and pale, the way lake
embraces the reflection of the moon.

 

… though I am not entirely happy with this.  I am trying to form the words and  to his back to meet the image head on, with (as Maggie will tell you) an economy of language, which is typically my style.  (In fact, Maggs, I have been trying to put more of myself into this poem and say more, rather than less, but we’ll see how that goes. — m.)

So if anyone thinks this reads oddly, please speak up, because my instincts are telling me that it reads like “broad and pale” are not precise enough when they move to the next line after a double break.  And while I will, at times, deliberately leave lines, images, moments in a poem open to interpretation, this opening image I want clear as a bell.

Thoughts/feedback/comments welcome.

And I hope you are enjoying spending the month with a poem as much as I am.

Cheers, and happy writing,

Melissa

 

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Author: Melissa Hassard

"I am always doing things I can't do. That's how I get to do them." -- Pablo Picasso

15 thoughts on “April Poetry Challenge, Progress as of Day 5

  1. I’m picturing a dark lake not a light one with the mention of the reflection of the moon? My ‘two bobs’ worth, probably doesn’t help much. xx

  2. It sounds beautiful.. I want to read more of it..

    • :) Howie — thank you. I will post the poem at the end of the month in its entirety. I hope you are working on a poem this month, too!

      • I am sort of an impatient writer/poet.. so I tend to work on different poems at a time.. still I am going to review and edit all the poems I write as much as possible to make them a little better, if not perfect by practicing this method of writing in pieces and along side editing, throughout the month…

  3. Your welcome hun, it got me lost but then again, sadly I don’t read poetry very well – I have difficulty enough writing it! :-) xxx

  4. It seems to me that the lake is not formed to the reflection, but melds with it as it embraces it. I meld with your back as the lake embraces the reflection of the moon.

  5. Melissa…I love your poem. May I suggest? … Please suggest on mine. PLEASE.

    What about:

    After love, you sleep. I form to your back,

    broad and pale, the way lake embraces  reflection (reflections?) of moon.

    or 

    broad and pale as lake embracing reflection(s) of moon

    so it shows that YOU are embracing in the same way the lake does and it doesn’t seem as if YOU are broad and pale. !!!

    I have a thing about trying to use as few “be” verbs (is are am) as possible. Still have to work on this in my poem. I can still hear my father saying, “Use strong verbs and strong nouns.”

    I’m at the eye doctor right now but will get to my poem later. I have my granddaughter for the afternoon and evening so time might get away until tonight.

    If none of this works, TOSS it! 

    M

    Sent from my Veriz

  6. I had the same feeling that Maggie did, that it’s unclear what is broad and pale. Formed to seems wrong to me, but melded with may suggest that the two things can’t be separated again. Maybe “clasped to”?

  7. “Fitted to”?

  8. What’s happening to the viewpoint character and her lover needs to be the same thing that’s happening to the lake and the reflection of the moon. I mean the same words should apply to both, as “embrace” does.

    • I love your feedback, Ann — i will have to thank everyone today. It has been so helpful!

      i am chewing on the verbs while I get some work done. I am in agreement. Missing the appropriate verb or perspective.

      Melissa Hassard

      Sent from my iPhone

  9. Pingback: April 5th Poem for the WD PAD Challenge prompt | Quillfyre

  10. Pingback: Poem a Day Challenge #005 | The Arkside of Thought

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