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What relapse feels like

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         Relapse is like a beautiful brick castle that everybody who loves you -doctors, nurses, family, friends- builds you; to keep you safe, to keep everylittle bad thing out there that could hurt you on the outside.

…But after a while… you get scared.

Maybe the castle isn’t what you wanted after all.
Sure you’re wearing a beautiful flowing gown now not hospital whites, your hair is long and shiny not falling and brittle, your teeth aren’t rotting out from acid anymore, all your extremities are skin colour- not pale or blue, your nails can grow long now without breaking, you can sleep at night and wake up for the day, there’s no more feelings of lethargy blacking out or being paralyzed, and now you can get up and do whatever you want. But something, something feels wrong.
Slowly you start to wonder what life is like outside the castle. Maybe you missed something the first time you were out there? Maybe there’s some secret thing that can change all this and make it better. The walls feel like they’re closing in. You’re lonely. Suddenly the castles not so great anymore. You start to think that maybe things weren’t so bad before. Outside is so close you can see it, but a part of you is still scared to touch it.

Now there’s two parts of your mind. One argues that outside of that castle is best. The other, says to Please, Please, just stay where you are. They’re both a part of you, and you sit looking out you’re window wondering which one is really you- the one that you want more.  The castle isn’t keeping you so safe anymore, and maybe, just maybe, if you go outside at least these two parts will stop fighting and things will be better once more. It wasn’t so bad out there before, right?

So you scratch away at the mortar. Never enough to loosen a brick, but enough to feel closer to the outside. Sometimes it hushes the arguing, others it makes them scream more. The screaming is enough to make you tear out the bricks. Soon its not even you who’s tearing out all of your bricks. Oh how you wish they would stop! But oh… how you wish they would  hurry up and get over it. Please just stop this screaming…

Maybe someone will come up to your tower and visit you. They’ll see all the holes in your tower. They’ll see the cuts and scratches that in your frenzy you seem to have inflicted upon yourself.
And they will yell.
And they will scream.
And they will cry.
And they will blame it all on you.
Even when you plead, even if you lie.
You hurt them, and it is all your fault.
They wanted you to get better and look what you have done.
Even if you try to say it wasn’t you who did this! Someone else ripped up your walls…
They won’t believe you- Its all your fault.

By then, there is no tower left and you are standing with two feet firmly planted on the ground.
At first, you don’t even want to move.
Gosh I wish I had my tower back, let me in, let me be safe!
But as you walk away that voice gets smaller, and smaller, you are now free.
And the voice that says outside the tower is better gets larger and larger until it is all you hear once more.
It starts to say all those mean words like FAT, UGLY, ****, CALORIES, EXERCISE, DON’T YOU DARE EAT.
And now there is only you to listen.
And you follow that voice in hopes to make it quiet.
And you know the only way to be safe again, is to be sick enough for another tower.  

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3 thoughts on “What relapse feels like

  1. wow. this was powerful stuff.

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