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What relapse feels like

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         Relapse is like a beautiful brick castle that everybody who loves you -doctors, nurses, family, friends- builds you; to keep you safe, to keep everylittle bad thing out there that could hurt you on the outside.

…But after a while… you get scared.

Maybe the castle isn’t what you wanted after all.
Sure you’re wearing a beautiful flowing gown now not hospital whites, your hair is long and shiny not falling and brittle, your teeth aren’t rotting out from acid anymore, all your extremities are skin colour- not pale or blue, your nails can grow long now without breaking, you can sleep at night and wake up for the day, there’s no more feelings of lethargy blacking out or being paralyzed, and now you can get up and do whatever you want. But something, something feels wrong.
Slowly you start to wonder what life is like outside the castle. Maybe you missed something the first time you were out there? Maybe there’s some secret thing that can change all this and make it better. The walls feel like they’re closing in. You’re lonely. Suddenly the castles not so great anymore. You start to think that maybe things weren’t so bad before. Outside is so close you can see it, but a part of you is still scared to touch it.

Now there’s two parts of your mind. One argues that outside of that castle is best. The other, says to Please, Please, just stay where you are. They’re both a part of you, and you sit looking out you’re window wondering which one is really you- the one that you want more.  The castle isn’t keeping you so safe anymore, and maybe, just maybe, if you go outside at least these two parts will stop fighting and things will be better once more. It wasn’t so bad out there before, right?

So you scratch away at the mortar. Never enough to loosen a brick, but enough to feel closer to the outside. Sometimes it hushes the arguing, others it makes them scream more. The screaming is enough to make you tear out the bricks. Soon its not even you who’s tearing out all of your bricks. Oh how you wish they would stop! But oh… how you wish they would  hurry up and get over it. Please just stop this screaming…

Maybe someone will come up to your tower and visit you. They’ll see all the holes in your tower. They’ll see the cuts and scratches that in your frenzy you seem to have inflicted upon yourself.
And they will yell.
And they will scream.
And they will cry.
And they will blame it all on you.
Even when you plead, even if you lie.
You hurt them, and it is all your fault.
They wanted you to get better and look what you have done.
Even if you try to say it wasn’t you who did this! Someone else ripped up your walls…
They won’t believe you- Its all your fault.

By then, there is no tower left and you are standing with two feet firmly planted on the ground.
At first, you don’t even want to move.
Gosh I wish I had my tower back, let me in, let me be safe!
But as you walk away that voice gets smaller, and smaller, you are now free.
And the voice that says outside the tower is better gets larger and larger until it is all you hear once more.
It starts to say all those mean words like FAT, UGLY, ****, CALORIES, EXERCISE, DON’T YOU DARE EAT.
And now there is only you to listen.
And you follow that voice in hopes to make it quiet.
And you know the only way to be safe again, is to be sick enough for another tower.  


HUSH

Unfazed she sits

full of memory,

her face numb,

eyes a colour that tell her story.

 Her home

a distant memory

She was once  loved

bundled and cared

but now through the cloth

her bones lay bare.

A day so dark,

that horrible night

a neon grave.

As  The hoofs of death

perched and screeched

Lost and found

yes ,she weeped.

Pain and remorse

eventual yet futile.

 Loss and grief

a life senile.

She needs closure

tranquillity and peace

a smile and a hope

is all she needs.

They never found it

her flesh, her blood

a small nothing

 in a world so tough.

U must move on, the whispers they say

 but can she really not care.

She wonders

 why ?

Why it came,

 a little rush of life , gods own kind

a cry so dear

 a smile,

to her life mundane.

But now its gone, far away

 a piece of her taken away.

But she will have to live on

 she cant help

waiting for a similar day.

When snow is thick and

and the birds sing ,

for her loss.

‘I will look out for you,’

Lost in thought

hush ,hush,hush

my child.

 Hush, she says.

 

 

 


There’s a voice inside my head

  • Perfect little girl
  • No emotions can she show
  • Like a puppet pulled by strings
  • No room to grow
  • Not a flaw you can see
  • But the inner scars are there
  • Behind her controlled mask
  • Her pain she cannot share
  • Just a little girl
  • Hidden behind a wall
  • She wants to cry
  • But no tears can fall
  • She must be perfect
  • She must be thin
  • Fat is failure
  • And she must win
  • Perfection will lead to death
  • Lost in her anorexic mind
  • Cannot escape
  • She is falling behind


What to do?

 

Does this question comes in your mind..
What to do…?
What is the goal of life…

The answer is not found..
for long…
For the life is monotonous
And the answers are lost on the way!

What is required is to go & freak around!
Think nothing but pray
Say thanks for whatever we have got !
And realise that life has a meaning

And we are important to atleast 5 people in this world!
—Find the smart answers within self!
—Watch a movie!
—Enjoy nature!
—Speak out whatever is in your mind( realising not to hurt anyone)!!
The most important thing is that you cant make everyone happy
So stay the way you are with a smile on your face
cause life is unpredictable yet beautiful!


Sherry, you make me smile:)

I luv Sherry so much . Wll he’s my pet dog technically but he’s living at my best friends place cause my mom hates pets (especially dogs . she’s allergic to dog fur). But, I cant really understand how she can’t be moved by his cuteness and best of all his ability to empathise with all my emotions so well. I am blessed to have such  a friend who did  this favour for me cause it’s really taxing to have a dog in the house when you have a pet of your own . She has a cat named Christine and she’s pretty amazing and polite to me as well.

Thanks, dear you are an angel.

Yesterday, he felt I was feeling bad about my waxing incident  while at my friends house working on a project and   he just sat her my feet and looked at me , I just forgot everything that was on my mind . Hee’s so cute, wish I could have him at my place:(

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