20 Lines A Day

A Community of Writers and Photographers


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What relapse feels like

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         Relapse is like a beautiful brick castle that everybody who loves you -doctors, nurses, family, friends- builds you; to keep you safe, to keep everylittle bad thing out there that could hurt you on the outside.

…But after a while… you get scared.

Maybe the castle isn’t what you wanted after all.
Sure you’re wearing a beautiful flowing gown now not hospital whites, your hair is long and shiny not falling and brittle, your teeth aren’t rotting out from acid anymore, all your extremities are skin colour- not pale or blue, your nails can grow long now without breaking, you can sleep at night and wake up for the day, there’s no more feelings of lethargy blacking out or being paralyzed, and now you can get up and do whatever you want. But something, something feels wrong.
Slowly you start to wonder what life is like outside the castle. Maybe you missed something the first time you were out there? Maybe there’s some secret thing that can change all this and make it better. The walls feel like they’re closing in. You’re lonely. Suddenly the castles not so great anymore. You start to think that maybe things weren’t so bad before. Outside is so close you can see it, but a part of you is still scared to touch it.

Now there’s two parts of your mind. One argues that outside of that castle is best. The other, says to Please, Please, just stay where you are. They’re both a part of you, and you sit looking out you’re window wondering which one is really you- the one that you want more.  The castle isn’t keeping you so safe anymore, and maybe, just maybe, if you go outside at least these two parts will stop fighting and things will be better once more. It wasn’t so bad out there before, right?

So you scratch away at the mortar. Never enough to loosen a brick, but enough to feel closer to the outside. Sometimes it hushes the arguing, others it makes them scream more. The screaming is enough to make you tear out the bricks. Soon its not even you who’s tearing out all of your bricks. Oh how you wish they would stop! But oh… how you wish they would  hurry up and get over it. Please just stop this screaming…

Maybe someone will come up to your tower and visit you. They’ll see all the holes in your tower. They’ll see the cuts and scratches that in your frenzy you seem to have inflicted upon yourself.
And they will yell.
And they will scream.
And they will cry.
And they will blame it all on you.
Even when you plead, even if you lie.
You hurt them, and it is all your fault.
They wanted you to get better and look what you have done.
Even if you try to say it wasn’t you who did this! Someone else ripped up your walls…
They won’t believe you- Its all your fault.

By then, there is no tower left and you are standing with two feet firmly planted on the ground.
At first, you don’t even want to move.
Gosh I wish I had my tower back, let me in, let me be safe!
But as you walk away that voice gets smaller, and smaller, you are now free.
And the voice that says outside the tower is better gets larger and larger until it is all you hear once more.
It starts to say all those mean words like FAT, UGLY, ****, CALORIES, EXERCISE, DON’T YOU DARE EAT.
And now there is only you to listen.
And you follow that voice in hopes to make it quiet.
And you know the only way to be safe again, is to be sick enough for another tower.  


HUSH

Unfazed she sits

full of memory,

her face numb,

eyes a colour that tell her story.

 Her home

a distant memory

She was once  loved

bundled and cared

but now through the cloth

her bones lay bare.

A day so dark,

that horrible night

a neon grave.

As  The hoofs of death

perched and screeched

Lost and found

yes ,she weeped.

Pain and remorse

eventual yet futile.

 Loss and grief

a life senile.

She needs closure

tranquillity and peace

a smile and a hope

is all she needs.

They never found it

her flesh, her blood

a small nothing

 in a world so tough.

U must move on, the whispers they say

 but can she really not care.

She wonders

 why ?

Why it came,

 a little rush of life , gods own kind

a cry so dear

 a smile,

to her life mundane.

But now its gone, far away

 a piece of her taken away.

But she will have to live on

 she cant help

waiting for a similar day.

When snow is thick and

and the birds sing ,

for her loss.

‘I will look out for you,’

Lost in thought

hush ,hush,hush

my child.

 Hush, she says.

 

 

 


There’s a voice inside my head

  • Perfect little girl
  • No emotions can she show
  • Like a puppet pulled by strings
  • No room to grow
  • Not a flaw you can see
  • But the inner scars are there
  • Behind her controlled mask
  • Her pain she cannot share
  • Just a little girl
  • Hidden behind a wall
  • She wants to cry
  • But no tears can fall
  • She must be perfect
  • She must be thin
  • Fat is failure
  • And she must win
  • Perfection will lead to death
  • Lost in her anorexic mind
  • Cannot escape
  • She is falling behind


What to do?

 

Does this question comes in your mind..
What to do…?
What is the goal of life…

The answer is not found..
for long…
For the life is monotonous
And the answers are lost on the way!

What is required is to go & freak around!
Think nothing but pray
Say thanks for whatever we have got !
And realise that life has a meaning

And we are important to atleast 5 people in this world!
—Find the smart answers within self!
—Watch a movie!
—Enjoy nature!
—Speak out whatever is in your mind( realising not to hurt anyone)!!
The most important thing is that you cant make everyone happy
So stay the way you are with a smile on your face
cause life is unpredictable yet beautiful!


Sherry, you make me smile:)

I luv Sherry so much . Wll he’s my pet dog technically but he’s living at my best friends place cause my mom hates pets (especially dogs . she’s allergic to dog fur). But, I cant really understand how she can’t be moved by his cuteness and best of all his ability to empathise with all my emotions so well. I am blessed to have such  a friend who did  this favour for me cause it’s really taxing to have a dog in the house when you have a pet of your own . She has a cat named Christine and she’s pretty amazing and polite to me as well.

Thanks, dear you are an angel.

Yesterday, he felt I was feeling bad about my waxing incident  while at my friends house working on a project and   he just sat her my feet and looked at me , I just forgot everything that was on my mind . Hee’s so cute, wish I could have him at my place:(


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Thanks Katie piper for teaching me what really beauty is:)

Ok, so here it goes, I am not a very girly girl. As in I don’t really go to the parlour every now and then and I don’t really spend hours choosing dresses but I do include some essentials in my routine  month, and that includes waxing as well. Now I know it’s a personal thing and you must be wondering why the hell am I sharing it but beleive me what I felt and realized yesterday , I can’t contain within myself. So after much deliberation my mom finally got me a hot wax cause my upper lip had to be done and all, Though I usually stick to the cold variety for my face but I finally agreed. Now , I guess she might have misjudged how hot it had become as she was multitasking while I was just lying there waiting for he thing to get over. So when she took some on the knife luckily or unluckily a bit of it fell on the side of my face and man, I felt like my face was on fire and I started shouting , she had realized the mistake though. Avery big mistake we did next was trying to pullit off, people I suggest let it cool for sometime cause it comes off more easily but what happened next was sheer horror. The skin started to come out and as i cried in pain my mom begged forgiveness in the name of god trying to make me see sense. And I was cursing the whole time, cause I didn’t really wanna see the mirror. Luckily we regained some sense and applied a cold pack and antiseptics and got an appointment with the dermatologist today,but all the time I kept thinking that why did this have to happrn to me when I have an major presentation on thursady. Why me?Anyways, my mom tried to calm me and said it wasnt that bad and it is just a patch only., she tried to make me sleep over it. But did I? No, Instead I cried a big part of the nght and when pain and exhaustion hit me I did what I do a lot. I googled . And thats when I came across the name oof Katie piper and that is what made me doze off early morning finally.

OK you must be wondering who on earth is this girl and why do i have to upload some random pretty girl photos on my blog when you don’t even know who she is, she’s very pretty isn’t she ? with pretty almond eyes, wide smile, blond  curly hair that makes her look like a Barbie to me. introduction needed as i continue the story.
her name is Katie Piper and she was born in 1983, is a former model and television presenter in England, U.K.
sounded pretty normal for a pretty girl like her to be a model, until one day in 2008 back in London, she meet a guy through Facebook and they started dating each other until he changes her life FOREVER before she could do anything to change the fact that she’ll be suffering a serious consequences a person, a mind, a heart and a soul could ever bear !!! Image
what happen to her was her ex-boyfriend  Daniel Lynch, where she was held  captive and was brutally raped by him.
where else, the guy on the right is Stefan Sylvestre who threw sulphuric acid (strong industrial chemical) to her face right before her eyes.

after that incident this is how she gonna look like for the rest of her life, from a model & television presenter (middle) to a person who she can barely recognize that it was her own face that she was seeing in the reflection on the mirror when she first woke up from being coma for a couple of days which seems like forever (right). Image
however she was brave enough to live through it although it came to her mind many times that she wanted to end her life to make it easier for her instead of being called “zombie”, “monster” when she was once so pretty.

instead she stay strong which need hell lots of courage to do so to live and inspired people around who went through the same incident. she even starts her own foundation. Image

the acid has destroyed her face, her right eye, which also affected her vision, she lost half of her right ear too, it when down all the way to her neck and to her clevage, to her hand and of course some part of her leg too.
not only that, she even have inner injuries which is her tongue and her throat and this happen because while she was yelling for help after the acid attacked, at the very moment she was trying so hard to scream for help while everybody was watching her in terror, and she swallowed some of the acid which injured her tongue and throat.

still bad as you can see, but did you know how many operations to get this far ? how many pain she have to suffer to go this far ? how many roller coaster ride that she had in hoping for a better tomorrow ? so who are we to judge someone like her ?? or any body else out there in the world that go though the same suffering ? the next time if you ever open up your mouth to called someone like this a “zombie” or a “monster” THINK TWICE AND SLAP YOUR SELF HARD for saying it !!!! words like that are for movie making not for you to use it just so you can insulted other people.
further explanation continue, she have lost her right eyelid and her nose, there’s nothing they can do about her right eyelid and also to improve her vision but somehow the doctor have tried their very best to get her nose fix, and this is not a plastic surgery that can get everything fix at a blink of an eye.
they have to put 2 little tiny hose to open up her nose hole just so she can breath, look at her face as i tell you most of the skin that the doctor used to get her face fix is either from corpse,  her back and her butt, the back of her ears and else where. as we go along the stories, we not only learn about the difficulties and obstacles about going through a acid attacked recovery process we also see it with out own eyes that she was brave enough to go through all the pain and suffering just so she can LIVE by NOT ENDING HER LIFE and CALLED IT QUIT just like that!!!! Image

this is the end of the recovering process where her skins is no longer red and bulky. have you ever wonder how many operation she have to go through to reach this stage of her life ? The answer to your question is : MORE THAN 60 !!!!!! ImageNo matter how life tear you apart in someway, don’t give up you’ll live through it, think about your love one, your parents, your family and those who love you. if she can make it so can you, with lots of love and respect for Katie Piper for being such an inspiration.

remember ……
Life is like an hourglass……
eventually everything hits the bottom, and all you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along and turn it around again.

And I thought, I was being brave, that why did this have to happen tome?. God, I had just no idea  how lucky I am. Things could have been worse, the wax could have gone into my eye. In fact the doctor said that it will be ok In  two wekks and in a month it will be not less prominent and a the scar is quite at the side so my hair hides it well. But, I didnt hide it today. I tied my hair up and answered anybody who mocked me.And thus I want to say just two words to all those girls out there and boys as well-YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, INSIDE OUT!


Dreams come true…..

The twinkle in the eyes show that..
You have the urge to achieve
Not every human…
Not every day do we have a dream

The dreams come true.
They may be old or new
The zing must be there..
And you should not care..
That what the world speaks about you..
Because you are amongst the few…
Whose work will speak
….That is how the great people reach the peak..


An ode to the sassy sneakers

I’m a huge fan of Converse shoes and sneakers in general. Period.A major part of my style is Converse shoes, In the season of sandals, wedges, and flip-flops, I have fully been embracing my sneakers. I feel like a younger version of myself, the same awkward sixth grader who wore sneakers daily. I can’t help but love my sneakers lately. Well for one, they are hiding the fact that my poor toenail fell off last week and it turned a lovely purple color that I had been attempting to mask with dark nail polish.  It was a rough battle that I ultimately lost, but rather than deal with wearing Band-Aids every day, I stick my feet in sneakers when I can:)

I purposely pair my sneakers with workout clothes. It’s like tricking myself into working out – since I already have the sneakers on, why not head to the gym? Even days where my mind tricks don’t work, the rest of the world never has to question my bad shoe choices because I look like I’m just heading to a spin class.

Converse shoes are for everyone. They look great on my grandma, they look even better on me, and they look hotter on my little sister. Their styles transcends the age-limits that are readily identifiable in most shoes, like Nike or Adidas. Created before I was born, and passed down through many generations. Talk about bridging the gap!

I love art and design. So, I tend to treat my fashion as an art canvas. Everything matches perfectly. My shoes match my shirt. The color of my jeans blends in with the tones of my shoes and shirt. My shades and shoes are the art pieces that cause people to stare at me 3-5 seconds longer than usual or do a double-take at my outfit. They stand out and bring a unique flare to my style. Because of this, I have a ton of colors in my closet that are really difficult to match with a great pair of shoes…except Converse. They have so many colors to choose from, you’re bound to find one that you like from the classic all-blacks to more flashy colors. Converse also offers more personalized options on-line, like customizing your own pair with your choice of colors, and even adding some text on your shoes!

I currently own 10 pairs of Converse, and I quite  love that fact that I can also design my own Converse sneaker. I can choose the colors and mix-match them as much as I like. I don’t have to go to the mall and shop for hours for something that fits the outfit I have in mind. I can simply go online and create it on the official Converse website. I’m not the only one who digs this type of flexibility either:)

Maybe they aren’t the most stylish, but they definitely are the most comfy. I don’t know if  my sneaker phase will pass out of  style anytime soon, but that won’t stop my love affair. I’ll leave the cute sandals and stilettos for the club and a comfy pair of sneakers can have my heart for the rest of the day

These are just a few reasons why I love Converse shoes and how they’re a no brainer when it comes to traveling to conferences. They offer so much that it’s easy to overlook their simple solutions. They’re easy to fit in your suitcase, have a passionate fan base, and just look good!

So people , do you wear your sneakers outside the gym? Would you rather go for comfort or style with daytime shoes?

(now the last 2 pics arent mine, credits-google)


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Sometimes, we just have too much of chochlate

A shopping centre turned into a chocolate drinkers heaven. San Churro in is one of a kind. Minimalistic decor, and a huge seating area gives a feeling that tonight you will be served a lavish dinner. But alas! the disappointment arises when you realise that besides snacks, the only thing on offer here is chocolate pots!

With leather tub chairs and glass tables, the sprawling (it can seat 90), split-level San Churro resembles, as a friend rightly observed, an insipid five-star coffee shop. This is probably because, despite the predominance of chocolate on the menu, San Churro is positioned as a coffee shop and not just a chocolate cafe. They offer six kinds of coffee including the Spanish latte, essentially a double espresso with condensed milk. The dull decor is brightened up somewhat by the mosaic tiles, which border the white, orange and mocha walls painted with illustrations that depict Spanish conquistador Hernán Cortés bringing cocoa to Spain (legend has it that he owes his discovery of chocolate to the Aztecs).

The staff recommended that we begin by indulging in the “Classic Spanish” hot chocolate to savour what’s left of Mumbai’s winter. San Churro make their extremely thick version of the drink by melting dark couveture chochlate  into milk. Be warned, this is a potent beverage even for grown-ups, especially those who are given to cheating on diets. The more kid-friendly option is the “Hot & Cold”, which is hot chocolate with a scoop of vanilla ice cream that makes the drink sweeter though less intense.

At San Churro, even though the chocolate drinks and the viscous chocolate sauces (served with fondue and with the churros) are made using their own brands of dark, milk and white chocolate, it’s hard to tell apart their chocolate infused beverages from the ones we’ve had at A Choclate affair which opened in Bandra in August last year. They’re equally decadent and mouth-coatingly rich, but the churros (deep-fried doughnut sticks) at San Churro make a more lasting impression because they were not as chewy as they were at A Chocolate Affair. The calorific, sugar-dusted confections come with a pot of sinful, dark molten chocolate (two pots if you order a large platter).

Even though their culinary goal is to “sweeten thy soul”, San Churro also has a savoury foods counter, well stocked with subs, quiches, sandwiches and non-chocolate confections like cheesecake, banana cake and cookies.
Been here thrice, and everything’s always been fabulous. I personally don’t like churros that much – they’re a little heavy – but the chocolate drinks, cakes, and pops on a stick are all really delicious. It can get a little sweet, so I’d recommend sticking to one thing at a time. The seven-layer-chocolate cake is INSANELY decadent. A pot of dark chocolate, chocolate float, a cold classic Spanish milk based chocolate drink with a scoop of white chocolate ice cream is extremely heavenly.
Portion wise San Churro is a disappointment.At such a price i t is a bit steep but as long as they keep serving some thick chocolate shakes, itwill be worthwhile.  


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Camping to fun

I love camping!!!  I know that may come as a surprise to people who know me (it’s kind of a shock to me too).  I don’t like dirt, I HATE bugs, I’m a little afraid of the dark (especially in the woods) and I cannot stand to have dirty feet!  All of those things go hand in hand with camping and I still love it!  For me, camping is about spending time with family.  I love that simplicity of the family (usually extended) just hanging around the campfire sharing old stories and making new memories.

The morning coffee would turn out to be as good as the baked potatoes. The weather would be windy in the morning and the fire wouldn’t get hot enough to boil the water. The air was pretty cool in the morning as well, so we would decide to pack up and hit the gas station on our way home for breakfast.We probably looked like a bunch of amateurs and dorks but we didn’t care.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many funny stories I could tell you about camping: the camper with the broken bed, the night my brother and I had to sleep in the back of a truck, running through the woods with a bug beater stick, the time our dog escaped from the pop-up, the time someone tried to confiscate our golf cart…the list goes on and on.  I can remember sitting by the campfire one particular morning with my sister who was warming her toes by the fire.  All of the sudden, I noticed that the toes of her Ugg Boots were literally smoking.  I yelled that her toes were on fire and she very quickly removed them from the fire.  As I write this, I’m still laughing at the image of her smoking toes she was fine but her boot was a bit scorched)  and her squeal when she realized what was happening.  It was straight out of a cartoon! And so as we set off on our next camping adventure this weekend, I can’t wait to see what happens next…


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When you are gone…..-R.I.P, E.D

Yesterday I had a session with my E.D therapist.Actually I was supposed to see her a week ago but I just kept delaying , and she called again yesterday. She’s been with me since the past year, better than the previous one . She doesn’t bother me on shout on me if I haven’t been able to maintain my weight and she’s younger so more friendly. But this meeting now reduced to the frequency of once a month still makes me anxious , though she says I have improved immesenly since the time we first met and I agree she has helped me in the emotional healing. This time though she was happy to see me , she felt I looked stress. I told her IT’s studies and assignments I am juggling to work out and small tiffs with my friends and the E.D thoughts that tend to come back especially around summer. I thought she would give me self help bookand tell me to read and analyze  what’s wrong but instead she started to tell me about her own issues and I felt much better this time to know that I am not the only screwed up person at the moment:)(sorry for her though) Then she took a deep breath and suggested an intresting activity which she felt might help. She told me snap up all those things (not more than 5 or 6) which have immensely helped me in the recovery . Immediately after seeing the expression on my face she was like” No don’t consider it work or another tasks piled up like the many others , do it at your own pace over the day and consider a chance to know yourself better) and after that we had some tea and the Kara’s cupcakes she always get’s along on her visits. I thought I might just share it on this which has blog, so here it goes-

1. My huggables corner( I can’t really sleep without the spongebob)

2.I always keep one desk of my room messed up or kinda untidy(I am an organized freak, so it’s really difficult). It reminds me perfectionism is not everyting, and helps to deal with body image issues.

3. Now htis one is easy, a picture says a thousand words.

4.My cute ppet turtle Terri who’s been there no matter what and around my neck always, my gran gave it, so it’s really close ‘c ause my mom never wanted to have a dog in the house as a pet of my choice( who said  we can’t have non-living pets)

5. Long walks by the beach are super therapeutic as well( the best smiling pic I could find)Especially at dusk, ’cause the suns the prettiest then according to me.

6. And most importantly Accepting the fact that we can’t always be in control and we all are beautiful and we all need to take care of ourselves for ourself and all those who love and care for us .

Finally , though there are a hundred other things I will stick to the limit she gave me and thanks for bearing with me this long . Life is beautiful, so smile !


Patience

Patience pays
That is what the world says
Life is so fast..
Not a minute lasts…

Expectations rise every now & then.
Life becomes like a prison..
Then we realise what is fun!
Thinking about the past is not done.

Patience is the key
To the life’s prison &
But perseverence is the path
We should learn to move along


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Thanks for the memories.

THis weeks been the busiest, buzzing with assignment completion. ugh, I hate working on weekends but my friend suggested that it’s better if we just accept it anf finish it off. Actually it’s on the placentation of flowering plants and arrangement of whorls including deriving the floral formulas. Though it may seem like a fascinating piece of art it’s like  being in a beautiful flowery place with a small girl watching how two girls are observing the same flower for an hour or let’s say hours. We are learners . But this time it was different, my friend suggested this botanical garden and it turned out to be fun(even if it took time it was worth it) Iam not very good on snapping stuff but the flowery goodness just got to my head.

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